First off I’d like to let you know that you might be the ideal gym client. By ideal, I mean… When you buy something, never use it, and then feel so guilty about it that you do nothing. No working out, no cancelling your membership (because you “plan” to make time for fitness).
Who’s fault is it that you haven’t used your membership? Yours! BUT…. There should be shared blame in this scenario. Yes, part of the blame should be put on you, but a portion should also be put on the gym that you actually joined.
When you join a “fitness” facility, it’s to get in shape right!?!? I mean, that’s what they tell you. They say, “We have this and that and the other thing and… SHOWERS… and… A SAUNA… and… A HOT TUB… and girls will drop all their clothes at the site of you (or guys that will do whatever women like. Sorry ladies, I don’t know what you like) after joining our fancy shmancy ghyme. (Yes I said ghyme. Homer Simpson reference).
INSTEAD… YOU’RE A NUMBER!! Yep, you probably already know it, so make the best of it and get off your pity potty and accept it! (As you can tell, I’m a little jaded about “fitness clubs” and they’re so called desire to get you in shape).
Here is how your average Gym Memberships work (in my mind): Let’s get as many “Non-Participating” wankers as we can in here because if they don’t do anything in the beginning, society will guilt them into not wanting to come in at all and also guilt them into thinking, “One day soon I’ll make it into the ghyme and get in shape and stop being a waste of space that complains about not being in shape every time I step into a Dunkin’ Donuts.”
BUT I DIGRESS…
Here is a simple plan for anyone that’s become a victim of the “gym number game”…. (Remember, I am not a lawyer or a phrenologist or a pediatrician or a gynecologist or a stripper… anymore… so talk to someone that has some freaking initials after their name that you can sue before you listen to me because suing me would really be pointless unless you want my ramen noodle collection. haha )
NOTE: Never DIVE into any training program unless you know what you’re doing or have someone that knows what they’re doing to help you. (A.K.A. Don’t go balls out or you’ll burn your balls out!!! And even tho I’ve never burned my balls, I imagine burning balls is a bad thing. Ladies just use your imagination for whatever scenario works for you).
Here ya go…
Pre Workout Stuff Part 1: Assess your fitness level and be honest!!! Are you a freaking cow (male or female)!! Below is a simple starting point for anyone that feels capable. Be honest with yourself and please lengthen the timeline if you need. (I can’t design something here for every freaking person on the web). Also, check with your doctor… Obviously… Before trying this!
Pre Workout Stuff Part 2: Look for a yoga class that you can get your ass into to begin with. Yes I said yoga… er… yogi… er whatever. Anyway, get into one of those beginner yoga class thangs or at least get a very simple basic beginner DVD FREE from the freaking library. And yes, I have actually done yoga. I went to the library and checked out DVD’s when I had a bit of a back injury and it helped me heaps!
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Actually talk to people in the gym and try to act like a human being! (ie. Take the f**king earbuds out of your ears dammit). Most of people that look scary or intimidating at the gym are super nice people that are more than happy to talk to you and actually give you pointers and help you along your journey if you’re not a douche bag that bothers them incessantly.
—-> HOWEVER!!!! THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! Do your research! Some of those people are freakin morons and don’t have a clue! There are still tons of old wives tales out there about strength training and it amazes me how many people ask me if I have knee problems from squatting to parallel or below. Nope, my knees are actually in better shape from squatting properly. I really want to tell those peole…. Take some of your “education”, get a job, save your money, and then go buy a clue as to proper strength training.
WOW, I’m good at tangents huh? Anyway, back at the ranch and the program… Remember to adjust this to fit your fitness level. I’m assuming you aren’t completely sedentary.
|Week 1:||ATLEAST Three days (every other day) of beginner yoga from a “great” instructor. (Or DVD from library if you like)
|Week 2:||Now add in another day of yoga. Example: Mon, Tue, Thur, Fri.|
|Week 3:||Continue with week 2 and include the following… (Note: This is the extremely difficult part). You need to actually start using stairs,or parking farther away from the store, or your work, or the hot dog stand, and start getting more “exercise” in your every day activity. OMG… NO WAY. YUP!
BLA BLA BLA…. So that is how you start actually using your gym membership. It’s like rocket science I know, but I’m sure you might be able to accomplish it.
When it comes down to it, you are paying for a place to workout, so use it to it’s full potential. If you don’t want to pay for a place to workout, then I guess you could pay me and I could design something for you that would whip your ass into shape, but really… it’s a lot easier to just do a few Google searches and read a few of my posts (when I actually get some more out here).
Lemme know what you think or if this was helpful at all or if you hear voices or really whatever goes thru your head via the facebook comments below.
And even tho I’m super sarcastic and a bit of a hard ass, I really do want everyone that wants to be fit…. to be freakin fit!!!